Thanks to Bryan Jones for pointing out this report from the great satirical site, The Onion, regarding some of the lesser-known steroids. A sample:

Estrogen: Popularized by A-Rod, who religiously injected this steroid in an effort to speed up his swing by strengthening his cervix, adding mass to his labia, and slimming down his rectouterine pouch

Document Clamp on the Nuts: Not so much a steroid as a method of increasing aggression and adrenaline output by fastening a large document clamp right on your nuts

And Bryan added an impressive list of his own:

• Jeterbolone: transforms slick fielders with excellent range into permanent geographic points. See Bobby Abreu and the Washington Monument.
• MrMetabol: users sport a marked hydrocephalic appearance and increased loss of balance consistent with ever enlarging hat size. See Barry Bonds and Spongebob Squarepants.
• Piniellabolin: regular cycling with this baby causes users to walk to the mound like they’ve doubled down on the Depends, sound strategy in view of the chronic diarrhea common in injectors of a certain age. Piniellabolin has also been credited with irrational hostility towards left-handed relievers, long periods of wide-eyed unconsciousness, and the inability to remove a low OBP player from the lead-off spot.
• McCarvipose: The steroid of choice for catchers and second basemen, the long term side-effects of brain cell loss, rapid acquisition of baseball ignorance, repetitive non sequiturs, and massive ego enlargement appear to become more severe with age. See Joe Morgan, Harold Reynolds and Joe Garagiola.
• Mannystrol: closely related to Borastanon-250, the recommended two week cycle should never be attempted during a competition period as users lose interest in participation and often suffer from a heightened awareness of non-existent injuries.
• GayRhoid: First introduced in 2004, not a steroid per se, but a fast-acting hemorrhoid treatment, often associated with self-absorption and erratic athletic performance as autumn temperatures decline. Users report elevated mood and distorted eyesight, which often results in dates with unfortunate looking-older women.

ZING!

We’ve always been suspect of the Spring Training claims of a new-found diet, rededication to the weight room, yoga, Pilates, etc. The NY Times George Vescey has a long tome on the subject today:

I know Vescey’s not accusing Myers, Howard and Bruney of previously doing things that were against the rules, but it sure smells like he’s doing that.

Vescey landed a good quote from a damn reputable source:

“You have to be a little skeptical, given the context of watching bodies change,” Dr. Gary Wadler, an internist and member of the World Anti-Doping Agency, said Thursday. “The explanation then was that they were eating more and working out more. Now if you hear players say, “We changed our ways,” all you can do is be suspicious.”

And that’s all we’re left with, as fans: suspicion. We can’t assume all players are clean, just as we can’t assume all players are dirty. Can we really put all our chips on Pujols, Jeter, Wright, Sizemore, Longoria, Howard, Utley? I think the only way we can get to a place where we, the fans, can have a greater degree of confidence in the testing program is if they start TODAY taking, testing and storing blood. There are questions that blood testing/storing open up, but that can be addressed some other time. I can see this being a major issue when the CBA next expires.

Hard for any fan of the game to root against Rocco Baldelli, even a staunch Yanks fan.

“It’s tough,” Baldelli said. “I don’t know if there is a layman’s way to describe it. It’s almost impossible. My muscles get tired, but I prefer not to even say things like that because I don’t want that to be the headline of the story. That’s why I don’t really get into it much. It’s tough for me to explain to other people exactly what’s going on.”

I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a world class athlete in peak condition to have trouble cranking the engine when needed. I hope he can make a full recovery and makes 80+ starts in right field.

In the same article, there’s a comment about the “new” Sox clubhouse. Sox fans, your team’s persona is on the same path as the Yanks: professional, corporate, vanilla. Just read this next comment and swap out “Baldelli” for “Jeter”, “Sox” for “Yanks”, “2004″ for “1996″, and “Jesus hairdos” for “former drug-addicted Mets”:

Baldelli is polite, almost shy when dealing with the media. He’ll deliver words and fill the sound bite for the 11 o’clock news, but strives to say as little as possible. This makes him a perfect fit for the 2009 Sox. Theo and his guys have assembled a group that is the polar opposite of the 2004 Idiots. No more wild and crazy quotes. No more Jesus hairdos or Jack Daniel’s shots.

Not saying there is anything really wrong with that corporate, vanilla persona. We just have to recognize that once a team wins and eventually loses the key players of that team, the team will bring guys in who try to fit in rather than just be themselves and giving the team a new identity. It melds into something pretty santized.

The ‘04 Sox lost Manny, Pedro, Damon, Millar, Foulke, etc. Think of those personalities. Big personalities, lockerroom leaders. Sure, ‘Tek and Papi are still there, intense as ever. Papelbon seems to be a bit of a wacko, and I mean that as a compliment. But JD Drew, Ellsbury, and Bay aren’t exactly guys you think of as leaders. Pedroia seems to be a natural leader, but is he (and Lowell) the loose kinda guys in the lockerrooms like Damon, et al, were? I ask because I don’t know the answer, not facetiously.

The “early dynasty” Yanks lost the same type of leaders: Wells, Cone, Paulie, Bernie, Jimmy Key. Sure, we filled them with other guys, some of which had larger than life personalities (Clemens, Giambi) while others were as vanilla as they come (Moose, Abreu, Matsui). And the team slowly conformed to Jeter’s “give ‘em only what they need to know/hear” personality. Santized, scrubbed, polished. And ARod and his personality is as obvious as they come. I heard someone say on XM MLB #175 today that it looks like ARod is acting like he is playing ARod in a movie about ARod. “Sincerity” is not a word I’ll ever use to describe him. The truth is, if he was a pompous ass, crass and crude, people might have an easier time accepting him. At least we’d know he was honest with himself. I think this is what helped Giambi’s “recovery” in the eyes of fans. [Not for nothing: I think adding Sabathia's clubhouse presence will do wonders for this team, who needs a boost of personality]

I still think the Sox are as feared an organization as there is in baseball, this year and for years to come. I think I have been more than fair in my thoughts on this team, no matter how much I want them to fail. My respect for Tito, Theo and so many of their personnel is tremendous. I think their off-season acquisitions were smart and calculated, even without Teix. But this team is no longer the Boston Dirt Dogs. They are now a corporate powerhouse. They are no longer the lovable losers; they have an image to uphold (and sell).

Trying to protect Manny from their fans totally and completely turning on him, the Dodgers released a statement putting the blame for the lack of progress at the feet of Boras.

LOS ANGELES — The Dodgers today received a letter from Scott Boras, the agent for Manny Ramirez, rejecting the offer that the club made yesterday. This rejection is the fourth by the agent in the club’s attempts to sign Manny.

“We love Manny Ramirez,” said Dodgers Owner Frank McCourt, “And we want Manny back, but we feel we are negotiating against ourselves. When his agent finds those ’serious offers’ from other clubs, we’ll be happy to re-start the negotiations.

“Even with an economy that has substantially eroded since last November, out of respect for Manny and his talents, we actually improved our offer.

“So now, we start from scratch.”

This was a PR stunt to help Manny save face ASSUMING he ends up with the Dodgers. Of course, the ultimate decision lies with Manny, NOT Boras. Manny has to do something he’s been reluctant to do during his entire career: take responsibility for his actions.

This release calls the bluff of Boras. It also invites the Giants to recontact Boras and get creative. Maybe the Dodgers go up a bit, say 2/$50m. But what if the Giants do that first? Talk about a death blow… It’d be like the Yanks snatching Teix from Boston, though the difference being Boston didn’t “need” Teix like either NL West team needs Manny. Whichever team lands Manny becomes the presumptive favorite in the NL West.

Well, we’ll see, won’t we (emphasis mine):

At least it’s better than the Mets sleeve patch:

No, this is not another of the “Yanks should go get this guy” or “sign him at any cost” sort of rant. Just saying that John Lackey will be a free agent after this year and he’s exactly the kind of pitcher I love to watch.

Quiet, intense, underrated, and efficient.

He started last year on the DL and didn’t reach 198 IP, the first time he missed that threshold since his rookie season in 2002. He’s posted an ERA+ of at least 119 each of the last 4 years, including an amazing 151 in 2007. He averages about 0.8 K/IP and he doesn’t walk a ton (hasn’t had a WHIP over 1.3 in three seasons). Lackey’s going to be 30 this season and likely in line for a nice 5 year offer if he can put up yet another solid season.

At least they are putting up TV’s to see what you’re missing. Then again, you can do the same at home without paying a boatload in parking.

“Architectural shadow“??? Say what? You mean you couldn’t have figured out a way to NOT block the sight lines of your most loyal and ferverent fans? No? You’d rather jut a sports bar out and block their sight lines and put up some flat screens to compensate. After all, they’re only the $12/ticket customers, not the “high value” ones in the sports bar, eh?

BLECH

Brett Gardner’s son is named Hunter. Hunter Gardner. Two “professions”? Middle name has gotta be Gatherer.

coffee, please!

Oh yeah, Gardner hit a HR with his three month old son in attendance at his first game. Coool.

This posting is for two audiences: the readers and potential advertisers.

First, the readers: I have been very reluctant to place ads on the site. There is one fixed ad and only recently have I been testing small ads here and there on the site (mostly at the bottom). I’m sensitive to clutter and the site’s already pretty busy. It’d be nice to collect a few nickels though I have no aspirations of anything significant. I’m contemplating adding some ads just see what they bring. If it’s only a few dollars, then I won’t do much. But I promise that if I do indeed add some banners and such, I will do my best to keep things to the borders and not interfere with the content. The reason for this is that I have gotten a few inquiries (some still awaiting an answer, my apologies) and I’d rather than do this than constant one-offs.

Also, if any of you have prior experience with online advertising and have an interest in helping, by all means, please lend a hand. I know my limits and I’ve about maxed out my abilities in creating what you currently see.

Potential advertisers: Please email me your proposals. Operators are standing by.