Thanks to Bryan Jones for pointing out this report from the great satirical site, The Onion, regarding some of the lesser-known steroids. A sample:
Estrogen: Popularized by A-Rod, who religiously injected this steroid in an effort to speed up his swing by strengthening his cervix, adding mass to his labia, and slimming down his rectouterine pouch
Document Clamp on the Nuts: Not so much a steroid as a method of increasing aggression and adrenaline output by fastening a large document clamp right on your nuts
And Bryan added an impressive list of his own:
- Jeterbolone: transforms slick fielders with excellent range into permanent geographic points. See Bobby Abreu and the Washington Monument.
- MrMetabol: users sport a marked hydrocephalic appearance and increased loss of balance consistent with ever enlarging hat size. See Barry Bonds and Spongebob Squarepants.
- Piniellabolin: regular cycling with this baby causes users to walk to the mound like they’ve doubled down on the Depends, sound strategy in view of the chronic diarrhea common in injectors of a certain age. Piniellabolin has also been credited with irrational hostility towards left-handed relievers, long periods of wide-eyed unconsciousness, and the inability to remove a low OBP player from the lead-off spot.
- McCarvipose: The steroid of choice for catchers and second basemen, the long term side-effects of brain cell loss, rapid acquisition of baseball ignorance, repetitive non sequiturs, and massive ego enlargement appear to become more severe with age. See Joe Morgan, Harold Reynolds and Joe Garagiola.
- Mannystrol: closely related to Borastanon-250, the recommended two week cycle should never be attempted during a competition period as users lose interest in participation and often suffer from a heightened awareness of non-existent injuries.
- GayRhoid: First introduced in 2004, not a steroid per se, but a fast-acting hemorrhoid treatment, often associated with self-absorption and erratic athletic performance as autumn temperatures decline. Users report elevated mood and distorted eyesight, which often results in dates with unfortunate looking-older women.
ZING!
We’ve always been suspect of the Spring Training claims of a new-found diet, rededication to the weight room, yoga, Pilates, etc. The NY Times George Vescey has a long tome on the subject today:
Some of them did it by eating grilled fish. Others played active video games with their children. Some went on diet programs or took up yoga. Others cut back on alcohol. Whatever they did, clubhouse attendants are coming up with smaller uniforms all over Florida and Arizona. Among the biggest losers are Brett Myers and Ryan Howard of the championship Phillies, who lost 30 and 20 pounds. Yankees relief pitcher Brian Bruney, Mr. Avant-Garde himself, shed 25 pounds before last season by giving up beer and eating healthy food. He has slimmed down another 10 this year, and essentially does not look like the same person.
Baseball clubhouses seem to be getting bigger this spring, with more room to move around. Or maybe the players are becoming smaller.
Out of the roughly 1,000 major leaguers in spring training camps, a couple of dozen appear to have lost significant weight in the off-season, all in the name of health and agility.
Vescey landed a good quote from a damn reputable source:
“You have to be a little skeptical, given the context of watching bodies change,” Dr. Gary Wadler, an internist and member of the World Anti-Doping Agency, said Thursday. “The explanation then was that they were eating more and working out more. Now if you hear players say, “We changed our ways,” all you can do is be suspicious.”
And that’s all we’re left with, as fans: suspicion. We can’t assume all players are clean, just as we can’t assume all players are dirty. Can we really put all our chips on Pujols, Jeter, Wright, Sizemore, Longoria, Howard, Utley? I think the only way we can get to a place where we, the fans, can have a greater degree of confidence in the testing program is if they start TODAY taking, testing and storing blood. There are questions that blood testing/storing open up, but that can be addressed some other time. I can see this being a major issue when the CBA next expires.
Hard for any fan of the game to root against Rocco Baldelli, even a staunch Yanks fan.
“It’s tough,” Baldelli said. “I don’t know if there is a layman’s way to describe it. It’s almost impossible. My muscles get tired, but I prefer not to even say things like that because I don’t want that to be the headline of the story. That’s why I don’t really get into it much. It’s tough for me to explain to other people exactly what’s going on.”
I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a world class athlete in peak condition to have trouble cranking the engine when needed. I hope he can make a full recovery and makes 80+ starts in right field.
In the same article, there’s a comment about the “new” Sox clubhouse. Sox fans, your team’s persona is on the same path as the Yanks: professional, corporate, vanilla. Just read this next comment and swap out “Baldelli” for “Jeter”, “Sox” for “Yanks”, “2004″ for “1996″, and “Jesus hairdos” for “former drug-addicted Mets”:
Baldelli is polite, almost shy when dealing with the media. He’ll deliver words and fill the sound bite for the 11 o’clock news, but strives to say as little as possible. This makes him a perfect fit for the 2009 Sox. Theo and his guys have assembled a group that is the polar opposite of the 2004 Idiots. No more wild and crazy quotes. No more Jesus hairdos or Jack Daniel’s shots.
Not saying there is anything really wrong with that corporate, vanilla persona. We just have to recognize that once a team wins and eventually loses the key players of that team, the team will bring guys in who try to fit in rather than just be themselves and giving the team a new identity. It melds into something pretty santized.
The ’04 Sox lost Manny, Pedro, Damon, Millar, Foulke, etc. Think of those personalities. Big personalities, lockerroom leaders. Sure, ‘Tek and Papi are still there, intense as ever. Papelbon seems to be a bit of a wacko, and I mean that as a compliment. But JD Drew, Ellsbury, and Bay aren’t exactly guys you think of as leaders. Pedroia seems to be a natural leader, but is he (and Lowell) the loose kinda guys in the lockerrooms like Damon, et al, were? I ask because I don’t know the answer, not facetiously.
The “early dynasty” Yanks lost the same type of leaders: Wells, Cone, Paulie, Bernie, Jimmy Key. Sure, we filled them with other guys, some of which had larger than life personalities (Clemens, Giambi) while others were as vanilla as they come (Moose, Abreu, Matsui). And the team slowly conformed to Jeter’s “give ‘em only what they need to know/hear” personality. Santized, scrubbed, polished. And ARod and his personality is as obvious as they come. I heard someone say on XM MLB #175 today that it looks like ARod is acting like he is playing ARod in a movie about ARod. “Sincerity” is not a word I’ll ever use to describe him. The truth is, if he was a pompous ass, crass and crude, people might have an easier time accepting him. At least we’d know he was honest with himself. I think this is what helped Giambi’s “recovery” in the eyes of fans. [Not for nothing: I think adding Sabathia's clubhouse presence will do wonders for this team, who needs a boost of personality]
I still think the Sox are as feared an organization as there is in baseball, this year and for years to come. I think I have been more than fair in my thoughts on this team, no matter how much I want them to fail. My respect for Tito, Theo and so many of their personnel is tremendous. I think their off-season acquisitions were smart and calculated, even without Teix. But this team is no longer the Boston Dirt Dogs. They are now a corporate powerhouse. They are no longer the lovable losers; they have an image to uphold (and sell).
Trying to protect Manny from their fans totally and completely turning on him, the Dodgers released a statement putting the blame for the lack of progress at the feet of Boras.
LOS ANGELES — The Dodgers today received a letter from Scott Boras, the agent for Manny Ramirez, rejecting the offer that the club made yesterday. This rejection is the fourth by the agent in the club’s attempts to sign Manny.“We love Manny Ramirez,” said Dodgers Owner Frank McCourt, “And we want Manny back, but we feel we are negotiating against ourselves. When his agent finds those ‘serious offers’ from other clubs, we’ll be happy to re-start the negotiations.
“Even with an economy that has substantially eroded since last November, out of respect for Manny and his talents, we actually improved our offer.
“So now, we start from scratch.”
This was a PR stunt to help Manny save face ASSUMING he ends up with the Dodgers. Of course, the ultimate decision lies with Manny, NOT Boras. Manny has to do something he’s been reluctant to do during his entire career: take responsibility for his actions.
This release calls the bluff of Boras. It also invites the Giants to recontact Boras and get creative. Maybe the Dodgers go up a bit, say 2/$50m. But what if the Giants do that first? Talk about a death blow… It’d be like the Yanks snatching Teix from Boston, though the difference being Boston didn’t “need” Teix like either NL West team needs Manny. Whichever team lands Manny becomes the presumptive favorite in the NL West.
Well, we’ll see, won’t we (emphasis mine):
Cardinals owner Bill DeWitt liked what superstar Albert Pujols said upon arriving at camp about winning being more important than money to him when it comes to his next contract.“
I’m not going to lie to you: It’s not about the money all the time,” Pujols said when he got to spring training. “It’s about being in a place to win and being in a position to win. If the Cardinals are willing to do that and put a team together every year like they have, I’m going to try to work everything out to stay in this town.”
[...]
While both sides are tossing bouquets toward each other, the type of money it would take to execute a Pujols extension — word is, he’d seek $25 million a year for 10 years — would be almost unprecedented territory for a team outside one of the very major markets. So while extending Pujols is a possibility, it’s certainly no sure thing. Considering Pujols’ true market value and the Cardinals’ prudent spending past, it’s probably going to take some serious compromising on both sides to get it done.
[...]
At least DeWitt hopes money isn’t what drives him.
It’s ALWAYS about the money. Just ask Teix, Sabathia, Burnett, Lowe, Manny, ARod, Zito…
At least it’s better than the Mets sleeve patch:
The New York Yankees will wear a new cap for the entirety of the 2009 season featuring a patch on the back commemorating the opening of the new Yankee Stadium. The patch is the first of its kind to appear on the back of an official MLB Authentic Collection cap, incorporating the MLB logo in its standard location to maintain the traditional Yankees cap design.
No, this is not another of the “Yanks should go get this guy” or “sign him at any cost” sort of rant. Just saying that John Lackey will be a free agent after this year and he’s exactly the kind of pitcher I love to watch.
Quiet, intense, underrated, and efficient.
In an era when pitching is king – when isn’t it? – Lackey has gone 58-30 with a 3.42 earned-run average the last four seasons. He has earned $17.5 million for that contribution, and checks in at $9 million this season.
[...]
Assuming Lackey has a solid 2009, it’s hard to see him taking less than A.J. Burnett, who received $82.5 million over five years from the Yankees this winter.
At least they are putting up TV’s to see what you’re missing. Then again, you can do the same at home without paying a boatload in parking.
The price of watching a fraction of Yankees games dropped to a fraction of its original cost yesterday, with obstructed-view bleacher seats abruptly falling from $12 per game to $5.
Lonn Trost, the team’s chief operating officer, made the announcement during an interview on WFAN. The ticket price applies to about 600 seats on either side of a sports bar that extends to the centerfield wall.
“Those seats are being sold at $5, not $12,” he said. “I think some seats may have gone out improperly invoiced. Those are going to be corrected, but those 600 seats are going to be $5.”
[...]
“When we built the sports bar we knew architecturally there is an architectural shadow,” he said. “And that means there are a group of seats that are in the bleachers that if you are sitting very close to either the rightfield or leftfield side of the sports bar, you may not see the opposite side.”We knew that going in, and to that extent we pre-prepared to put televisions in the wall, as well as that big screen so you don’t miss anything.”
“Architectural shadow“??? Say what? You mean you couldn’t have figured out a way to NOT block the sight lines of your most loyal and ferverent fans? No? You’d rather jut a sports bar out and block their sight lines and put up some flat screens to compensate. After all, they’re only the $12/ticket customers, not the “high value” ones in the sports bar, eh?
BLECH
Brett Gardner’s son is named Hunter. Hunter Gardner. Two “professions”? Middle name has gotta be Gatherer.
coffee, please!
Oh yeah, Gardner hit a HR with his three month old son in attendance at his first game. Coool.
This posting is for two audiences: the readers and potential advertisers.
First, the readers: I have been very reluctant to place ads on the site. There is one fixed ad and only recently have I been testing small ads here and there on the site (mostly at the bottom). I’m sensitive to clutter and the site’s already pretty busy. It’d be nice to collect a few nickels though I have no aspirations of anything significant. I’m contemplating adding some ads just see what they bring. If it’s only a few dollars, then I won’t do much. But I promise that if I do indeed add some banners and such, I will do my best to keep things to the borders and not interfere with the content. The reason for this is that I have gotten a few inquiries (some still awaiting an answer, my apologies) and I’d rather than do this than constant one-offs.
Also, if any of you have prior experience with online advertising and have an interest in helping, by all means, please lend a hand. I know my limits and I’ve about maxed out my abilities in creating what you currently see.
Potential advertisers: Please email me your proposals. Operators are standing by.
Talk about a fool’s errand, trying to read skull growth, acne, bicep size and temprament to ascertain who was “clean” and who wasn’t during the Steroid Era is nearly impossible. We know of many, many names. Some obvious, most less so.
I didn’t give Rick Reilly’s crapfest of a “let’s give Pujols 5 MVP’s” article any pub because it’s silly and based upon a house of cards worth of logic (I’m not even linking to it). So when I read Tom Verducci (a writer who I really think very highly of) discuss the stature of Carlos Delgado, I thought it was worth pointing out. Verducci ran the list of HR hitters from 1996-2003 (graphic below).
When I ran down the list, Mets first baseman Carlos Delgado stood out as the guy most pushed into the shadows. This season, be it anything close to ordinary for him, Delgado will become only the 11th player in baseball history with 500 home runs, 500 doubles and 1,500 RBIs. It is a club with no back door. The others: Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Frank Robinson, Eddie Murray, Griffey, Ramirez, Palmeiro and Bonds. And yet Delgado never is talked about as a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and is rarely discussed as a Hall of Famer at all. He started only one All-Star game (and made only one other, while a juiced Giambi started three), never won an MVP award (he was robbed of one by a juiced Rodriguez) and never won a home-run title (he once finished second to a juiced Rodriguez), even though he hit between 38 and 44 home runs seven times.
So I ran the numbers for the greatest home run hitters of the heart of the Steroid Era to find the lost slugger. This list is a terribly sad one, because it is a veritable rogues gallery. It is likely that anywhere from nine to 11 of these top 14 home run hitters from 1996 through 2003 were dirty — at best, a crime rate of about two-thirds.
“Health, No. 1,” he said. “And No. 2, it’s cheating. I take a lot of pride in my preparation and my ability to understand the game and try to get any edge by watching the game or taking advantage of what’s in my head.“I guess, if by doing the right thing, should you get extra points for it? I guess so. In this society, all the bad things, the controversial things, get most of the exposure, and I kind of understand how the system works in that way. It’s not news that some guy did it the right way.”
Bonus related reading: Shysterball’s take on this.
No misspelled, awkward, strong-armed emails from the ticket office discussing relocation plans. No blocked sight lines. Just the calm re-establishing of one of the better Yankee traditions:
The transfer began at 7 a.m., when workers loaded the monuments by forklift into a massive steel box, each legend encased in a plywood box, the contents identified by simple black marker. “The Babe,” it said on Ruth’s. On the 9/11 box, someone wrote, “We Will Remember.” The steel box was strapped down onto a flatbed truck. The truck trundled two blocks north. At the new Stadium, a crane rig picked up each monument – they weigh 5,500 pounds apiece, except for the one for the diminutive Huggins, which weighs 7,100 – and gently lowered them over a wall, into Monument Park, where they were hoisted again and moved to their appointed spots.
“This is our legacy,” [Tony Morante, director of Stadium tours and the Yankees' in-house historian] said. “People will come here not just for ballgames, but for our history, and a big part of that is these icons, and 9/11.”
Here’s yet another great “tribute” to the Yanks and their remarkable ability to keep their elbow firmly on the pulse of their most ardent fans:
Still, even if one could block that all out and simply focus on the relationship between one customer’s wallet and his ability to put his butt in a seat at this new park, the bottom line is that this is an outrage, a disgrace, a catastrophe on the level of Joe Torre summoning Jeff Weaver from the bullpen in Game Four, a Bambino-rolling-in-his-grave nightmare over the successor to the House that Ruth Built. A chorus four million fans strong should be shouting four- and twelve-letter words at Yankee president Randy Levine and every incompetent front-office numbskull who played a role in this fiasco. A pox on the House that George Built.
The Yankees deserve every pixel of bad publicity they receive over this, every blankety-blank karmic quantum of bad yankety-blank karma. My friends and I are hardly the only customers wronged in such a fashion; an informal discussion with a few other longtime Yankees ticket holders who write for various sites (including this one) reveals similarly shoddy treatment. Indeed, all of us who have something at stake short of a full-season ticket package are being screwed because the Yankees have bungled this so badly that they can’t possibly fulfill the demand. So naturally, their impulse is to trample the loyal customers who helped carry them past the three million and four million attendance milestones over the past decade. This is a story worth illuminating, not only to fellow Yankee fans who may commiserate about finding themselves up the same fetid creek, but to baseball fans everywhere.
I’ve long made my feelings and intentions known about this new ballpark. It will be gorgeous. It will be impressive and leading edge. It will be a showcase. It will NOT be something I get to see in person very often (unless a friend with corporate access can weasel me some tickets).
I haven’t been in the waiting line to fork over money for tickets so I haven’t been privy to these sorts of ugly tactics and it’s so painful to hear about it. Yet again, I look squarely at Randy Levine, the Master of all that is Evil in the Evil Empire. I hope Randy, Hank and Hal catch all the crap they deserve for this. It’s a shame on so many levels.
Yankee haters, feel free to pile on. After all, we’re just fans, like you. We’re used to being dumped on. Just remember, your team could also do this to you.
But just remember that if this is happening here, it can happen in your city as well. Even the green cathedrals of Wrigley Field and Fenway Park will someday fall to the wrecking ball, and when you emerge from the rubble with a lesser opportunity to visit your new ballpark, you’ll have plenty of company.
thanks to Pete Toms for the heads up!
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