“No trap can hold Homer Simpson! Uh, but I’m not Homer Simpson… I’m the Pieman! Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pieman”
You knew was too good to be true. Just when you start getting exciting and believing in baseball, again, they let you down. Bad news, folks. In a late breaking press release, Major League Baseball has announced that they are investigating the New York Yankees for Performance Increasing Enhancements (P.I.E.’s) during their recent 9 game winning tear.
Fireballer AJ Burnett is the suspected point man in this scandal and is charged with distributing P.I.E.’s to several different Yankees including Johnny Damon, Alex Rodriguez and Melky Cabrera. In a forthcoming book by Selena Roberts, an unnamed source claims that, “they’re not even hiding it! They’re shoving it in each other’s faces!”
Some reputed benefits of P.I.E.’s include bursts of increased energy and a warm, yummy feeling in the tummy. Side effects include facial acne, obesity, and diabetes. Burnett refused to comment directly on the controversy, only saying, “mmmmmmmm… piiiiiiies,” whenever he was asked about the performance increasing enhancements.
Alex Rodriguez is rumored to have scheduled a press conference announcing that he used P.I.E.’s while playing with the Rangers but stopped upon becoming a Yankee and switching to black & white cookies and cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. Andy Pettitte claims he only used P.I.E.’s twice to recover from an injury and Roger Clemens appeared on ESPN radio vehemently denying ever using P.I.E.’s even though no one ever accused him.