Thanks to Brad for these auto-generating PED response templates. There needs to be two templates created for what is always written whenever one of these PED stories comes out, one for the media and one for fans.

For the media might look a little like this:

According to [news source], [player name] tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in [year]. Long known as a [reputation clich"], [player name] is said to have tested positive for [PED of choice] the same year his team [insert win-loss record or playoff accomplishments].

For fans, it may look a little like this:

Now that the news is out about [player], I’m not surprised. What I’m wondering is whether this revelation invalidates [insert player or team accomplishment]. Likewise, what does this say about [choose as many as you want: the Mitchell Report, Rick Helling's union activities to encourage stringent testing, Frank Thomas' public anti-PED stance, Jose Canseco's book--and propensity to be the smoking gun, a former GM who let the player go and/or some lone published voice who said something worthwhile]? Should there be an asterisk on [insert player and/or team accomplishment]? I’m just sick of the media moralizing on this topic and wish the entire list of 104 players would be published instead of this dripping-faucet style of reporting. On the bright side, [insert inconsequential silver lining that will be lost amidst the furor].

We just need to have a Mad-Libs version….