I'm sorry everyone, but the 2016 season is over for the New York Yankees. The reasons? Masahiro Tanaka is awful and throws too many splitters, Dellin Betances can't throw strikes and doesn't know how to hit runners in the back in order to get an interference call, Aaron Hicks can't play left field and turns sure outs into doubles, and both Jacoby Ellsbury and Chase Headley are cooked at the plate.
It was a nice run while it lasted—a whole nine innings—but it's over now.
So, here's a list of things that are pretty awful, but still not as awful as the 2016 Yankees:
- Have you watched Fuller House yet? It's awful - but not as awful as the Yankees.
- Being tortured like Prometheus but instead of having your liver torn out by a giant eagle every day, your body hair regrows and you get a full Brazilian body waxing daily. That sounds awful as well, but it's still not as awful as watching the Yankees play like the Bad News Bears.
- Going down a razor blade covered slide into a vat of rubbing alcohol would be really bad, but not as bad as the 2016 version of Yankees baseball.
- A perpetual bout of food poisoning would be better than seeing Brett Gardner standing on first base and not attempting to steal.
- Being forced to watch nothing but Melissa McCarthy movies A Clockwork Orange style for three days straight would be less awful than watching the Yankees flailing away at pitches from elite starters.
- In that same vein, being forced to watch the Red Wedding scene from Game of Thrones every hour for the rest of your life would be more enjoyable than watching the Yankees.
- Waking up in a parallel universe where the only movies are Pauly Shore/Yahoo Serious collaborations would be better than watching Yankee pitchers give up two-run leads in the sixth inning.
- Getting stuck in an elevator in the middle of summer with a person who hasn't showered in two weeks would be better than watching Chase Headley bouncing throws to first base.
- Watching a two-hour long movie with a person who tells you every single thing that's going to happen before it happens is still better than the Yankees' offense's fruitless attempts at scoring runs.
- Being stuck in traffic that doesn't move more than two feet per hour after drinking an extra large cup of iced coffee would be better than watching Carlos Beltran chasing after a playable ball in the right field corner.
- Waking up in a parallel universe where all pizza is deep dish is pretty terrible, but not as terrible as Chasen Shreve's September 2015.
- Someone pruning your fingers, knuckle by knuckle, with a pair of gardening shears would be more enjoyable than watching Dellin Betances walk the first three batters of an inning.
Watching a TV network that only shows the most depressing episodes of TV shows ever: The dead dog episode of Futurama, the episode of M*A*S*H where Henry Blake gets shot down, the episode where Matthew Perry dies on Growing Pains would still be better than watching the Yankees right now.
And yes, this post is obviously sarcastic, and was written in response to the people who are already declaring the season over less than 24 hours into it.