Sterling's Dire Need for a Better Judge Home Run Call

Dear John (Sterling): You are better than this. We love to mock your home run calls, but we secretly just love them too. It’s sad that you only once got to use my all-time favorite, “It’s a Ben Francisco Treat!,” for the solitary homer of Ben Francisco’s sad last 50 major-league plate appearances (his 50-PA line with NY: .114/.220/.182). Some player names lend themselves to your punny home run calls more easily than others, which brings me to my point: c’mon, for a player named “Judge,” the best you could do is “Here Comes the Judge”? Judges wear robes, bang gavels, declare rulings, issue sentences, and... well, that alone should give you more material than you’ve had for any other player. But as a wise man once said, writer’s block strikes even the greatest of poets, so I’m happy to lend a hand. (Ok, no wise man said that, but it sounds like a real saying, no?)

  • Judge capitally punishes that ball! { This is my favorite, but I suppose some killjoys would deem death-by-electrocution references too much for a family-friendly broadcast. }
  • Judge sentences that ball to the bleachers!{ The milder version of my preferred capital punishment one }
  • Judge slams the gavel! {Less creative but harmless, and a wood gavel making a loud noise works as an image for a wood bat hitting a ball hard enough to leave the field }

  • Aaron judges that ball 'guilty'!"  {Maybe the hokiest, but for that reason maybe the most like a traditional Sterling home run call? }

... and here are a few worthy submissions from my co-blogger William Tasker too, who wanted in on this:

  • No pleading the fifth in this courtroom, the Judge delivers the verdict and it's out of here!”
  • Just follow the evidence, folks, the Judge is in session and hits it out of here!”
  • All rise for the Judge as he hits that ball way out of here!”

You're welcome, John. You can't predict baseball, but I predict you can do better than "here comes the judge," with or without our help.